Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Sister's Tears

I cried tonight for Hannah.

I cried tonight because I heard her laughing at the angels flying above her head, and to make her feel better I had to pretend to see them too.

I cried tonight because I used to tuck Hannah in goodnight when I was little. I would read her books. I would sing songs to her for hours. I would think up funny words so she would laugh.

I cried tonight because I thought of something I used to pray every single night for over eight years. "God, please touch Hannah and heal her." I wanted to see her walk and hear her talk. I wanted to play with her, teach her how to ride a bike and put on makeup. I wanted it for me; I wanted it for my parents; I wanted it for Hannah.

I cried tonight because I couldn't feel any angels in that room, but there were plenty of demons waiting for me in my room. Like predators hiding in the shadows.

I cried tonight because of a truth I know deep down but I refuse to accept. Hannah's slowly deteriorating health. Time ticking by slowly. Her thirteenth birthday in just a couple weeks.

I cried because of the very thought of saying goodbye.

And I cried tonight because I realized I have not emotionally and mentally braced myself for that day.

And I don't want to. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to brace myself for anything. I just want to keep singing to her and sharing laughs with her. I don't even want to consider an inevitable future where I will no longer hear Hannah's laughter.

I...just...refuse to let the thought enter my head. I brushed it tonight and it almost crushed me.

And I cried tonight because I am my least favorite person on earth, and I can feel the demons in my room right this minute, and I can't shake off sin's grip on my shoulders nowadays, and my throat is slowly closing up. And I cried because even someone as wretched and unworthy as I has been given the incredible gift that is to know my little sister. I cried because of my darkness, and Hannah's light.

2 comments:

  1. I have never experienced what it is like to have a family member with severe health problems who is not very old (and therefore is at the age when health problems are kind of 'expected'), so I honestly am not quite sure what to say. Rest assured, however, that you and your family are in my prayers, and that I'm always here if you want to talk. You've mentioned several times to me now that Hannah's health is slowly but steadily getting worse, and I do worry and pray for you all. Having that kind of dread hanging over your head must be a terrible, terrible thing, and I pray that Jesus will give you the grace to bear it. And I also encourage you to keep hoping that her health will improve, though after so many years of praying it must seem like fool's hope to wish for such a thing now. If you will, will you please tell me exactly when her birthday is? I will know to pray especially for her and your family on that day.

    In Christ, with many prayers and well-wishes,
    Towa

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    1. Thank you so, so much for the comment...I literally say this to you all the time but it means a LOT to me. And thanks especially for the prayers too. Hannah's condition is quite unique; her health could bounce right back in a couple years or it could just go plateau. We just don't really know. Yes, it does feel like dread, like watching a black cloud on the horizon get closer and closer, but it's also making us more bonded as a family and being less self-centered. And those are good things! There is so much blessing that comes with it! Hannah's birthday is the 28th of this month :) I'm okay right now and reading comments works wonders on me, but thanks, and you can talk to me anytime too <3

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